I think it's finally time to tell you
Though I treasure golden moments that we shared
The truth is, we both know that it's not working
And I've tried to face the facts, but I've been scared
Now every evening we're together
I try hard to find the love that I once knew
It's not how it used to be
And it's pretty plain to me
That your writers' brains have all turned into goo

And I'm afraid I can't keep watching you
This dreck that you've become
And every time I turn you on, you turn me off
Because you've grown so dumb.
I'm sorry, but I can't keep watching you
It hurts inside my brain
And somehow I'll endure the pain
Of empty Monday nights
You used to brighten up my week
But someone turned out the lights

I'm not sure when I started feeling
That your scripts were not coherent anymore
And your actors all show signs of waning patience
With performances phoned in from Bangalore
Once plots were richly convoluted;
Now, there's deeper meaning in a toddler's scrawl.
Yes, it's plain the shark's been jumped,
And all pretense has been dumped
That there's anything worth tuning in at all

And that is why I can't keep watching you
My Tivo has been cleared
For characters are jumping ship
Like drowning rats
They've all but disappeared
It's tragic but I can't keep watching you
It's worse than infantile
And though your reruns make me smile
In syndication still
You used to be must-see TV
But now you're dishwater swill

You should have pulled the plug in season five
The characters we liked were still alive
We'd all be better off...
I won't be made a fool again;
For god's sake, don't retool again!

Have mercy, 'cause I can't keep watching you
I just can't stands no more
The regulars are counting days
Till contracts end,
Then bolting for the door
Not even rabid fans keep watching you:
They've all run out of steam.
The music of your opening theme
Is like a dentist's drill
I really can't keep watching you
But knowing me
If nothing else is on
I prob'ly will